I’d Rather Be Coloring

It’s a shame I’d rather be coloring in my Mandala Adult Coloring Book. Been wanting to all damn day but just didn’t get the chance. I would have time and would have been nice and relaxing after we got situated when we got home too. But I decided to use my time differently. Now I’m laying here pissed off, irritated, sad, and mad at myself. I do admit though I know now to no longer put in effort in someone if they don’t put their effort into you or for you.

I’m learning that its ok to end certain relationships or friendships. It isn’t giving up and it isn’t be mean, inconsiderate or rude. I’m learning that my feelings need to be protected as well and not just that persons. Who cares what they think or what they do. I would rather ruffle your feathers versus mine or my feelings getting hurt. I’m always trying to be the understanding one and making you happy.

Well FUCK YOU. Who thinks about my feelings? Who protects mine? Who is even considerate about my feelings. Not some of the people that I’m considerate of ferlubgs for. My life goes on and so does yours.

I’m no longer available for your cheap thrill or convenience. I’m over that bullshit. If I’m worth keeping in your life because you value our relationship/friendship then it shouldn’t be this easy for this time being the last time.

Hoping I get time to do some coloring.

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On A Mission

I am now on a mission. I feel like I am a scientist on the verge of discovering a new species.

It is quite exciting. I have noticed the deeper I dig, and regardless of what I find I am not sad, disgusted, hurt, or annoyed as much as I would be before. I really feel like I have been given assignment and I am just out to assure I get a good grade.  In a way it would be somewhat of an award to me if I can achieve healing from this because I feel I have dealt with this man for almost 6 years. To finally realize there are others like him and that who he is actually has a word. “NARCISSIST”.

 I am still in somewhat of a shock to read the articles I have come across and how majority of them describe the :Womanizer” perfectly. I would say at least 80% of what I have read or possibly more would actually be what would be a good description of him. I could still be trying to justify some of his bad treatment towards me but I am very proud that I am little by little really progressing. 

I was proud of myself today when I was at the store, since I usually end up getting him something I know he would like. A snack, drink, etc. I had 2 items in my hand and towards the end of my shopping I put the 2 items back. I told myself, “Fuck that! He don’t deserve my kindness.” I am not going to lie, I felt somewhat guilty being what I felt was mean but I had to remind myself, what I do whether how good my effort is, it will never be appreciated by him. Here’s a perfect example, which is something I thought of as I was going to return the 2 items.

Before this past weekend I left him a cute little card with some encouraging words and letting him know how much I am grateful to have him in my life and how much he really deserves happiness, because of his hard work. 5 days later, that same note is still in his desk, UNREAD!

I still say in my head every time I think or see that unread card, “FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE!!” Difference is I don’t get as “butt-hurt” by it and I’m over it quicker. Still obviously somewhat painful considering I really took the time out to write that and meant what I wrote.

Baby steps, but at least it is some kind of steps that I have taken versus continuing to feeling stuck…

Today I deserve a pat on the back!!♥

 

It Isn’t My Fault After all.

Before the possibility of completely going crazy I had to research something’s. After my research I have come to the conclusion nothing has been my fault and I’m not the whack job I sometimes felt I was. The word to describe the “Womanizer” that I have found to match his characteristics is that he is a narcissist. That is exactly what he is. How did I come to this conclusion?

I knrw what the word empathy meant but I dug a little deeper. Because let’s face it, He definitely lacks empathy. Or possibly just doesn’t have any at all. While reading mlre and more on empathy I found an article about narcissistic men. Article after article they all seemed to either been spying in my relationship with the “Womanizer” or I’m not the only one in this world dealing with this. Of course they weren’t spying on me and it’s not that uncommon a narcissist person will cross your path.

I am quite excited that I have revealed this. I feel somewhat at peace. But my battle isn’t over yet. Ill be writing more on this new found discovery I have come across. But first I had to share my accomplishment as if I was screaming it from the rooftop or better yet from a mountain.

A New Feeling Has Been Discovered

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!! During my “Fuck It” days I’ve been feeling a feeling I can’t pinpoint on what it is. I’m not happy but I’m still sarcastic, jackass, clown that I can be at some points. Other moments I’m lost, zombie like. Or quiet and in deep thought. I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I should be doing. I’m lost and have no direction.

What should I call this newfound feeling? Let me think…”clownassbielocastic”

Just a whole bunch of fuckery in one complete word. I just want to be myself again. I’ve forgotten what or who that is. But I know one thing is for sure, it sure wasn’t. ⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇

clownassbielocastic

Once in Awhile…

…you just gotta say, “Fuck It!” And take time to not stress about what has to be taken care of or needs to be. When you’re going through a stressful time in your life (like I am at this moment) you should take a few days and not be on a schedule and just take it hour by hour and aww what the say brings. It may bring opportunity for you to enjoy a lunch with a friend who you guys would always say, “Let’s get together soon “. You may have the opportunity to visit a new bar, museum, city, sex store, whatever it may be. Somewhere you always told yourself you’d like to go to.

Well I said “Fuck it!” yesterday and although it felt weird not having a planned day or doing what I would usually do, I have to admit it has helped me.

So, remember this just like it’s ok to let out the tears, it’s ok to say “FUCK IT!” Just as long as you do it responsibly. Enjoy fucking off y’all!!!

Still an Idiot

You would think because so much time has gone by that I would no longer be in the whatever the fuck you want to call it relationship with the, “Womanizer”. But obviously being an Idiot just isn’t something that can be cured so quickly.

It’s like I’m put into situations that continue to keep me being an Idiot. And I should be smarter than that right? WRONG!!!!

Stupid mutha fucka has to be a professional at what he does. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a 401k or tons of money in the bank since he’s good at being a cold-hearted narcissistic prick.To the point you’d think it were his career and on payroll somewhere. A man who has no empathy seems to just be wasted space on this Earth. Mentally and emotionally screwing up with females heads. I want to scream…